Putting Yourself Out There

"One of the first steps in living a fearless life is overcoming any fears by asking yourself what it is you're afraid of."

The Face Behind See Jane Rise

I've only recently come to terms with this one fact about myself: I am completely and utterly consumed by what others may think of me. I don't know if this stems from abandonment issues---> I was taken by social services as an infant for abuse, spent a year in a foster home and adopted at 18 months old, so it would be a surprise if I didn't have abandonment and/or attachment issues. What was a surprise to me is that I'm just now realizing it and beginning to see all the ways it has shaped the public persona I wear.

I've spent my whole life feeling low-key judged, second guessing myself, practicing conversations in my head before the actual conversation, replaying convo's in my mind after the fact trying to interpret what the other person may have meant by their tone, body language, and so much more. Feeling like an alien wearing an Edgar Suit whenever I'm around people that aren't my immediate family (and sometimes them too!).

Now that I can see the mask I wear clearly, I have to figure out how to take it off in order to get comfortable being 100% me always. In public, in the comfort of my home, in my own head. And I'm going to start with a bunch of strangers on the internet.

Yes, I'm hitting social media and all it's terrifying glory. I'm going to try and be all-the-way myself at all times. This includes putting my face, my voice and my entire persona out there to be judged (and hopefully accepted) by all. Or most. Or some, maybe.

It's scary and it's necessary. I need to get over this hang up in order to move forward. It just might be the only way to figure out who I actually am. The way I see it, if I unmask myself publicly it will be harder to slip the damn thing back on.

Sink or swim, I'm doing it. Care to follow along?